Tonight I needed to remind myself of how strong I am.

I was finally ready to look back at all of my labor pictures/videos

wipes tears from face.

It took me a while to be ready to remember.

Ya know… that little pain called labor?

I watched myself groan with a low “huuummmmaaa”, through each contraction. It’s a strange thing to watch yourself endure. At moments I sounded super zen and at others, otherworldly. I come in peace, I promise. I didn’t scream until the last few pushes. Watching those final moments brought me to tears. Hearing Kelly, our midwife say, “She needs to come out now”, put a fire in me (the ring of fire was already happening btw) that gave me the strength to push her out.

9:30 AM | Nov 25th, 2020 - When I woke up my mucus plug broke. No, it was not my water breaking, but the telling sign that my body was getting ready to labor. I had never heard of the mucus plug before, so with some quick research and an answer-seeking text to my midwife... we all had a good idea that Stevie was coming within the WEEK. In hindsight, I was having Braxton Hicks contractions the nights leading up to this, but I just thought I was just uncomfortable. My due date was mid-December so I genuinely didn’t think I was at the end already. Hoped for it, but didn’t bank on it.

12 Noon - The day progressed and I kept working. I work from home full-time so here and there I was experiencing uncomfortable back pressure but again, I didn’t think anything of it. I’m very glad I was able to be in the comfort of my home while experiencing this. And oblivious.

I took a bath during my lunch hour which I am usually not inclined to do. Little did I know, I would be experiencing the greatest pain of my life only 6 hrs later in the same spot.

I laid down after the bath, and as I was laying there I felt like I was peeing. That’s fun. Now... mind you... when you’re pregnant you have to pee a lot and it’s hard to hold, so I genuinely thought I was peeing myself lol. Embarrassingly common. I went to the bathroom and went back to lay down. It happened again. And again. And again. You would have thought by this point I would known my water broke, right? NOPE.

3:39 PM - I texted my midwife, Mom, and Sister saying, “I think somethings happening”. My sister came upstairs and only looked at me for a second (as I was standing water was falling onto the ground) “uh Carli... that’s your water. Your water just broke!” It took her a few times to say it for me to believe it. Like 3 to be exact, in addition to Mom confirming it as well.

I’ve read it can take days to labor. And since I was going to be doing this at home without meds I was mentally preparing for it. Again in hindsight, I WAS way more in labor than I thought.

By the way, Cole has no idea what’s happening at this point. I didn’t want to worry him or give a false alarm.I thought I had way more time than I actually had.

5:47 PM - Text I sent to Kelly our midwife who lives 2 hrs away:

“Have been contracting consistently and they are starting to stop me in my tracks. Still able to do things around house.”

Her response: “Well, here we go!”

*as I sit at the counter in the kitchen with Mom and Sister drinking a Moscato and having a piece of deli meat FaceTiming my friends telling them that I think ITS happening lol*

P.S. Cole still has no idea.

6 PM - Cole walks in from work and I apologize for not telling him what’s going on. I seriously hope this conveys how in denial I was. As the minute’s pass, my body speaks to me louder and louder. I remember a contraction coming as I was sitting at the counter and after it, I knew I needed to lay down. We put on Dan in Real Life thinking we’d watch it as we waited for me to progress and Kelly to head our way. Forget that! We didn’t even get through the opening scene before I NEEDED to move to the bathtub. Things were moving fast and humorous jokes… were not funny anymore.

6:33 PM - Mom held the phone up and I talked on the phone (in between contractions) to my midwife so she could hear the readiness in my voice. She gets her things and embarks on the 2 hr drive to us. All the while I have to keep contracting and trust that she will get here in time. I wouldn’t let my mind go anywhere else. I couldn’t. I also think that if she would have been closer I would have been able to let my body relax a bit more and she would have come even sooner than she did.

Now... I knew going into a home birth with Kelly that she lived 2 hrs away. I knew that God has put her in our path for this specific reason and with that confidence I knew I would be ok in those 2 hours. Yes, there is always a chance but I personally didn’t want or need any medical attention until go time.

9:40-10:30 PM - Kelly and her assistant, Kathy arrive. They get down to business and asks me if I want to guess how dilated I am. I can confidently and undeniably say this was the scariest moment of my life.

I was ready for a home birth. We had studied and prepared mentally and physically, but this moment if I hear the number 1-7 come out of her mouth... I honestly don’t know what I would have done. It is true that 23-37% of first-time moms who attempt home birth are transferred to the hospital. I surrendered and admit that my pride did not want to fall into that statistic, and thus I was face to face with my competitive nature.

“You are 9.5-10 cm!”

Reprieve!... Not relief. Don’t forget... I’m still agonizing over here.

11 PM - I waddle to my bed. From here forward is a blur and full-on adrenalin kicked in. I labored great in the tub but for some reason, my mind couldn’t allow my body to push how I needed to in the water. As I lay in bed the pressure and pain were so great I HAD to push. This time, it was different than before. I never read anywhere how different labor and pushing feel. Sports analogy: Labor felt like those practices you have where the coach makes the whole team run suicides and pay for the wrongdoing of a disobedient teammate. So... torture lol. And the pushing... easily said; GAME TIME.

As I watched the videos my cousin took of this whole process... I couldn’t help but laugh at myself constantly saying, “I need music. Where’s the music?” (as I groaned in pain) I literally said this 10 min before Stevie was BORN. What's cute is that Steive naps to the playlist I created called “Labor of Love”. almost every day.

11:50 PM - The final pushes were hard yet magical. Seeing what my body was capable of and watching the support I had around me, hold me up in spirit and physically?... I was very emotional watching the footage. Her head began to crown and I was struggling to get her 14-inch wide head out!!

I don’t recall the number of pushes I gave, but I remember how strong I felt. With Cole behind me, supporting my arms and head, and my mom on the right side of me... I was invincible. Even though 12 hours prior I was in denial about what was soon to take place, I was present. Here and now, it’s go time.

11:59 PM - November 25th, 2020 - Oh, the elation. Grabbing Stevie and pulling her up onto my chest, it was surreal. So surreal that I forgot that happened and I remembered cause it’s on video. I laughed when she was born! Laughed! One of my favorite things to do. I didn’t cry, (Stevie was taking care of that), but laughed and looked up at Cole with the most endearing gaze. We did it.

12 AM - I was bleeding pretty bad and Cole was handed, Stevie. Things got appropriately dramatic and we all sensed the urgency in Kelly’s voice. “Ok we need the bleeding to stop, everyone say a prayer.” My placenta was not coming out and I think she said it tore. Birthing the placenta was not as easy as some have experienced.

This scenario is kind of what you fear when you have a home birth. Things CAN go wrong. Thankfully Kelly has assisted over 500 births and my confidence and prayers laid in her hands. She knew what to do and with the help of modern medicine, the bleeding stopped, and no further attention was needed. Amen.

So strength...

Tonight I needed to feel strong, and after hours of looking back at pictures, videos, texts, and details from the strongest day of my life, I don’t feel so weak anymore.

Each day with Stevie Lu brings new joy and Cole and I have never been more refined. Our wedding anniversary is coming up on March 20th and Stevie is the best gift.

Our little reason.

Our sunshine.

Our lemonade. *wink wink 2020*